Sunday night again...

Well I have tried to be chipper and positive in my last couple of blog entries... I want people to read and think - and not read and become depressed... But this is my blog and I need to vent...

I used to love Sundays - it's always been my lazy day - Saturdays are usually too chaotic, I get up too late from having been out too late the night before OR I slept too late b/c the week really took a lot out of me... For some parts - Sunday is also my manic/frantic day where I realize I have done nothing practical all weekend and now have mere hours before bed and work the next morning to get my chores done. It is very frustrating and nerve-wracking... I know I have ADD and I am working on it but I get so utterly frustrated sometimes b/c I have so much swimming around in my head and I just can't seem to get ANYTHING real accomplished.

But this weekend was pretty good - I fucked around a fair amount but still got shit done. I finally super-cleaned my bathroom and kitchen. I mean I cleaned, organized and sanitized every surface, mopped - hell I even washed the shower curtain and put a different one up for a change of pace. I went out both Friday and Saturday, spent time with my friends and that adorable Channel7 and still managed to get up before nine both days (ok I had help but still)... I had a nice day that involved some shopping, tanning, swimming and enjoying the company of nice people. Of course since I got home around 6ish I have been anxious...

I kicked severe anxiety a way back but it seems to be returning, usually it is most intense Sunday nights... I realize of course that however productive I have been during the weekend, my house is still not completely unpacked, I have so many projects and things to do and yes - I haven't found a new job, nor have I done what I need to do at work so I don't have to stress. Thought for the latter, the deck has been stacked against me since the day I took that job... My timesheets aren't done for the month of June, though I have a lot filled out, they still need to be finished and entered (oh and I have seen other people's sheets and they get away with MURDER - my boss of course scrutinizes my line by line -literally- and I have to be over-detailed which is why it takes so fucking long for me to do them) - all in all I get all weird on Sunday nights because I cannot bear to think about entering that office for another day let alone another week.

This is like a bad carnival ride which has gone awry and is complete with gawking carnies - I want off. I know I am supposed to be patient... "Something will come along..." or "You take this too personally just let it go..." or "You can't seem to find a job that you can stay at..." blah blah blah. I'm so sick of everything. I'm sick of feeling just ever so slightly nauseous every Sunday night. I wish I could just call in sick but that only makes things worse - Monday night then becomes like Sunday night - my work pile grows larger. Blah you have heard it all before but I need a miracle or something - anyone got one? Hell I just want a week off where nobody asks ANYTHING of me - not my job, my boss, my mother, my family, friends or anyone. I'm sick of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I want time to THINK, to plan my next move, to start the business that will free me from this drudgery but I can't.

Please send a winning lotto ticket - I could use one.

On a lighter note, I bought and watched Saved - poignant and yes - hysterical. Culkin's line about what teenage christian girls do at planned parenthood helped ease the stress... LOL