Something is different today

I had a very good conversation with my younger (and only) brother yesterday. Like me, he has also been struggling with work (in his case he is trying to find work in the Bay area where he moved back in January). It has been hard for both of us. Losing our Dad was a very traumatic and shaking experience. If you have to look for the good in every situation, one of the outcomes was that the mud was wiped off our eyes. I think we both have learned to see the world and situations at hand for what they really are. Too many people view the world with rose coloured glasses - not because they just don't want to see stark reality, but in fact they have been convinced to see it that way.

When you lose somebody you love so quickly and unexpectedly all that was once rose suddenly becomes a stark black and white. The bubble bursts and suddenly you are seeing life outside the Matrix for the first time. Let me tell you - it ain't pretty and it is jarring to say the very least. Recovery from this takes a very long time - longer than you would think or expect. In fact, even though I have taken all the steps one can (therapy, medication, meditation etc) time heals all wounds (hopefully at least). The one problem with the healing process is that you can lose the stark view of reality. I think we all crave the rose coloured view. However, whether or not we wish it back or society re-colours the lenses for us again, it still creeps back. Not good.

Not seeing things for what they are is very bad. It makes you do things you normally wouldn't. That is what has been happening with my work situation. Even with all the therapy and talking things out, I guess I was still looking at the work situation the wrong way. I thought I knew what was going on and was making efforts to change it. However, my brother wiped the mud off my rosy eyes last night. And how thankful I am for that. He reminded me that I'm not the problem. Pretty simple - but maybe I needed to hear it from him. He reminded me that I have no power to change my boss, his attitudes, ridiculous work expectations or unrealistic deadlines. However, I was letting my perfectionistic streak and self-motivated desire to achieve achieve achieve get in the way of seeing the situation for what it is. I may hate it, but whenever he says jump, I get horribly angry, depressed, anxious and blah all at once. Then I jump. Big mistake. But why do I jump?

Exactly. My brother pointed out to me what everyone has been telling me for so long. I guess I wasn't either able to hear it or really didn't want to. No matter, it has been heard. I cannot and should derive satisfaction with MYSELF and MY LIFE through someone else's expectations (whether realistic or not). Say it again TOS. "I am an amazing person. I am talented way beyond anything my boss could ever measure. I am successful, accomplished and have the capacity to do anything. I will NOT let him have power over me. At the end of the day I am the same person whether or not I achieve his ridiculous list of tasks. Work has never defined who I am. So why am I letting it define my emotions for the majority 0f the day. I am letting go. Let the chips fall where they may. I can and will find another job."

I will not sacrifice myself or my happiness for another. This is the end of the road. No more overdoing it, no more overachieving and no more overwork. Finito.

I have a staff meeting now. I can't wait. :-)

(P.S. My brother did me a big favour and I love him for it. Finally after all the years of a tenuous relationship, we finally are the loving, mature brothers and friends we both want to be. Thanks bro. I love you!)